What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

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I of course replied” arh beautiful!

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

Can supporters of gun control explain the purpose behind a gun registry?

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

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Comes on , in middle age.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

Since the Brits can't steer their oil tanker, what makes them think they can take on Russia?

My family never makes their pension either.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

How do I convince my husband that a threesome is okay?

Im dying but, im not bitter.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

Voluptatibus dolorem laborum quae.

She was in good health!

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

Who then, do I blame.?

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I had hoped to write a book about this .

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Put me off passion for life!!

I waited trembling.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

One cannot live in the past .

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

She loved him until the end.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Why did i forgive my father ?

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

But ive been too sick for many years..

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

She found it foreign!.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

I was very sick at this time too.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

(And it was in our own minds.)

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

My mum and dad in the seventies!

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

All the time i was locked up.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

I couldn’t, believe it.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

Was to survive, this bastard.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

And i lived it daily.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

We were not on the streets..

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

Im still living with it.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

I have no regrets .

When she asked me how she looked .

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

I think the readers, may guess!

My life is so biszare .

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

I was scared of men, in general

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

I write beautiful poetry .

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

This is soul school!.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

What did i know ?

Ive learnt so much.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

I could never make a relationship work though!

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Where the ultimate outsiders.

It was going to be , some day.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

She married twice! .

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

But it wasn’t much.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

I said to her

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

I will be 64.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

He resisted the act ,that day.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

She wouldn,t have been !

We all went to grammer schools

I was 9 years of age.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

He knew the spot.

So, i spoilt her more .

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

As i do to all so called friends.?

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

I don,t even have a pension.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Would this be the day?

Especially a lifetime of it.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

So whats the point in blame.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

But, we were locked up after school.

I never cut or harmed myself..

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

I was seconnd youngest,

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.